by the Confirmed Bachelor
I was in a relationship for over 15 years that ended just before I turned 40. Even though the LGBT rights movement made strides in social acceptance and marriage equality during those years, the Internet also fundamentally changed the ways in which gay men met and communicated with each other. Approaching middle age, I found myself unprepared to create a new circle of friends – let alone find a mate. Last year I turned 50 and am nonetheless single; turns out I made it to middle age still not knowing how to forge new friendships or romances.
Like many of us with a burning question, I first turned to Goggle. I found many LGBT websites and articles about gay men aging alone. I learned that, according to a study done by SAGE (Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders), older members of our LGBT community are likely to be alone. This article from the Huffington Post attempts to get at some of the underlying issues as to why this happens. But the article focuses more on issues of discrimination, housing, health, and finance, rather than on the interpersonal and intrapersonal aspects of being alone.
I still had a lot of questions.
I tried another Google search for “being gay and lonely.” This returned countless results like this article I read in GQ: How to Cope When You’re Gay and Lonely. I was able to find many resources for gay men in their 20’s and 30’s struggling with the social isolation and shaming issues around coming out. But what about the aging gay man who is no longer struggling with his identity? Why is he isolated and alone?
As I researched, I found myself returning to a core set of questions. Over and over, I’d ask myself:
- What circumstances resulted in a guy being a bachelor at 50+ year old?
- How can I develop new friendships at my age?
- What are some ways I can build a support system for when I need a helping hand (i.e. transportation, lawn work, maintenance jobs).
- What would my ideal home/life/relationship scenario look like?
- What advice would other 50+ year old bachelors have for me?
- Are other single older gay men lonely or are they happy being alone?
I have no idea if asking these questions will, in any way, help me in my attempt to either find companionship or become more comfortable with my own bachelorhood. But, I guess I have to start somewhere. Therefore, I intend to find some gay men over age 50 who have always been a bachelor, or who have been single for a long time, to share their answers to these questions. I will, in turn, report my findings here for anyone else searching the Internet for such advice.
the confirmed bachelor 